Reidmueller “Not Fat”

Good news from the Reidmueller camp today. According to the official “Martinez BMI Index,” Stephen Reidmueller is not fat.

“I’ve been having a string of bad luck…what with the whole job market and all,” said Reidmueller, currently on his sixth day in the same PJs. “But in between watching seasons of every TV show made between 78 and 94, I’ve played some ultimate [frisbee] and ran some, I guess.”

Experts are calling Reidmueller’s remarkable “Reverse-Silver” a miracle. Citing Hollowell-ian history, Tejas Braves usually get larger with age, directly correlating to the amount of classes taken. They are chalking the phenomenon up to a lack of money to actually buy food and an abundance of free time to exercise without the burden of gainful employment or class.

[Ed. Note: Not to be confused with “Running Stephen Reidmiller,” another person entirely]

Reidmueller apparently doesn't tip this

Reidmueller apparently doesn’t tip this…or waiters.

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Introducing Pat Magnum

Goodbye, Prash Magadi. Hello, Pat Magnum.  The mutton dagger has decided to change his name, citing the flaccid economy and the need for a larger custard pump.

Despite his humble beginnings on the Indian Penis-ula, Pat has grown into a full-sized member of our society.  He recently scored an exclusive internship with Goldman (Ball)Sachs.  His job description includes managing office zamboni baloneys and picking up lobster lunches at local restaurant Long Dong Silver.

“I look forward to joining (Ball)Sachs at the New York Unit.  I hear the city has a fine selection of women to whom I would like to introduce my kipper ripper.  I’m told the pizza there has dickory-coal smoked sausage and bacon bazookas.”

The regional manager for New York, Herman von Longschlongstein, known in some circles as the Gushin Prussian, cites Pat’s chubby conquistador as his strongest attribute.  “It doesn’t hurt that his bumtickler is a regular blue-veined puss chucker,” the crusty purple-headed snot Nazi said.

Many speak of Pat’s uncanny skills with the ladies, though this reporter suspects it has a lot to do with his mayonaise cannon.  Watching this fallopian fiddler work his magic with the female sex is like seeing Mr. Johnson and the juice crew serve a foaming beef probe to an unsuspecting group of Mrs. Sphinxter’s next door neighbors.

In his free time, Magnum P(een) I, fires white-Russians from the Kremlin and plays epic Sega matches of Sonic and Knuckles.  On Sundays, Prince Everhard of the Nether-Lands can be found reading his favorite comic, Pennis the Menace.

“Pat sets a great example for all men with phallic names,” chode-sized sophomore Woody Apple says.  “Not just with his polished pine, but also his incredible purple-headed womb ferret.

What’s next for Pat Magnum?  For now, it’s off to New York to spread his enormous auger-headed gut wrench around the city in a fashion unseen since the glory days of Mickey Mantle’s flesh bat.  After that, the world will kneel beneath his gleaming love sword and savor his hot beef injection.

Prash was week. Pat Magnum is strong.

[Correction: The veracity of this article has now come into question from multiple reports confusing the word HAS with the word IS]

Tejas Chaos

As many of our readers have commented, “Tejas Chaos” is possibly the greatest softball team ever assembled, and much of it can be chalked up to their legendary pitcher, Prash Maga Pat Magnum.

If Maga Magnum keeps up his impressive pitching skills at tomorrow night’s game, he might think of challenging the famous Eddie Feigner, known better as the King of “The King and His Court.”

Feigner was called the “the greatest softball pitcher who ever lived” by the Washington Post. He began barnstorming around the country in 1946, challenging all comers, in a less staged Harlem Globetrotter-esque exhibition.

“Although I just started playing softball last year as a Newman for Texas Cowboys, I ownd it because it is a lot like playing cricket,” said Maga Magnum, an Indian national. “No, no, no, Cricket is my main sport, but I certainly think one day I will be the greatest softball player ever. Pretty much anything I do, I’m the best at. Girls, getting jobs at Goldman-Sachs, drinking, partying, talking shit. I’m a fucking Cowboy.”

Magadi has pitched at least one shutout inning in the 2-0 season for Chaos this season. They have 10 run ruled each of their previous opponents, but most still insist the offense is merely inspired by Maga’s Magnum’s impressive pitching.

“If I didn’t get to see the beauty that is Prash’s (Pat’s) p-p-p-pitchin’, I don’t think I c-c-could play nearly as well” said notable Longhorn football player Nick Zajicek.

Although Chaos has played a combined 6 innings in 2 games, Maga Magnum has commented that he would have no problem pitching an entire game, a concept that has some excited.

“I would trade my Edward Cullen poster and my fan-club T-shirt for a chance to see a full 7 innings of Prash (Pat)” said Clayton Huff, who often catches…in softball.

A man of this stature deserves a better street name than simply Prash Maga, which is often confused as the name of a terrorist cell in the middle-east. This columnist humbly suggests Pat Magnum. More to come.