Even Weak Americans > Big Canadians.


Don’t be “upset” with yourself if you were “upset” in the office Sports Trivia tournament for not knowing the origins of the word. Most sports fans don’t know the story of how the term “upset” came to into the sports lexicon and took on an entire different meaning in American English vernacular.

The term, to describe the case of a team or athlete overcoming incredible odds to claim victory over a seemingly more gifted opponent, was inspired by Man o’ War’s loss in the 1919 Sanford Memorial to a horse named, you guessed it, Upset. It would be the only loss of Man o’ War’s career, as he would go on to win Horse of the Year honors in 1920 and would later be named the Best Racehorse of the 20th Century by Blood-Horse magazine. But on that day, it was Upset who, as a 100-to-1 underdog, won the race, effectively coining one of the most oft used sports phrases of all time.

Since then there have been many upsets in sport history: The Miracle on Ice, Buster Douglas over Tyson, Appalachian State, the 69 Miracle Mets, and most applicably to this story, Rulon Gardner over that one unbeatable Russian wrestler.

But all of the aforementioned pale in comparison to what interweb savvy spectators are calling “Emo beats Leet.” On Monday, 112 pound Flen Sumac, full of teenage angst and a desire to finally be something, toppled over 295 pound giant Mark Montaro.

“Oum, I was trying to figure out the proper angle and trajectory to use to fully apply the static energy in leveraging my considerable torsion and corpulent mass towards my opponent” said Molaro, speaking obvious bullshit. “And, oum, while I was calculating, Sumac attacked.”

The end result was that Montaro will be getting a life, which most assume to mean not trolling the internets, studying constitutions of various organizations, and masturbating to Tranny-Grannyz.net.

The victorious Sumac was described by an anonymous member of Tejas as a “less cool version of Arnell, who hates the world too, but doesn’t really have any reason…seeing as he’s white.”

It is unconfirmed whether Sumac will pursue the coveted position of lawn-master next semester (because Arnell hasn’t done it yet), but will obviously be applying for UTLB, LEI, and possibly a semester in LA (already having been an officer in FLO and a member of Camp Texas).

The main thing to be gathered from this event–aside from the sheer size of Montaro’s moobs–is that even the weakest of Americans, with even an ounce of American ideology of strength, power, pwnage, and superiority in them, can dominate the passive, weak-willed, peace-loving mindset of other countries. If even our emo kids, who usually are that way because of getting their asses kicked constantly by jocks and who’s only real experience with confrontation comes from yelling at their upper-middle class parents for buying them a PS3 over an XBox 360, can give giants of foreign lands their comeuppance, America may just be safe after all. I mean, just think what our real men can do (looking at you China).

Not quite David and Goliath, but a Goliath statement about the fortitude of America and the sustainability of the “World’s Last Remaining Super-Power.” Fuck you Rome. Fuck you Persians. Fuck you Mesopotamians. Fuck you Ancient Greece. Fuck you Mayans. And definitely fuck you Egyptians, what with your weird beards. ‘merica, the REAL civilization, is here to stay.

[Editor’s note: If Texas were to succeed from the United States, all of the above would be null and void. Unofficail statistics have Texas accounting for 60-75% of America’s ‘bad-assness.’]


A new side of Tranh

Andrew Nosh’s tenure as SEC prez began Wednesday at the changing of the guard ceremony that apparently makes Buckingham palace look like the Governor’s Mansion. [Editor’s Note: No, not too soon]

This effectively ends the term of Tramus Tranh, who despite his asian heritage neither was related to or ruled like Genghis Khan.

“Though small in stature, he was big in heart” SEC-insider Cody Jansen said gayly. “He’ll truly be missed, and hopefully he can give me pointers, when…err…if, I get the top position.”

Many reflected Jansen’s sentiments, however we were treated to a more candid side of the man formerly in the most important presidential position on campus.

“Dawg, I’m so glad I’m done with that ish,” said Tranh. “Those bitches always wantin’ everything from ya boi [all errors are sic, unless noted].”

He continued by suggesting that the S-E-C be renamed the S-U-C and pronounced like “suckkk.”

“I’ve had to keep up dis nice guy front, frontin like Pharrel, ya hurr me,” said Tranh very ebonicly, whilst performing something reminiscent of a “C-Walk.” “You about to see the real Tranh now muddafuckas, just a real OG. I’m bout to get mah money, get dem bitches, and get throwed up on dat yo and dat yac.”

After informing Tranh that he would not be getting paid for his services as SEC president, Tranh took a pull from a bottle of Hennesy, grabbed the nearest SEC groupie, and walked out of the Eastwoods Room of the Union. He could be faintly heard muttering “SEC-deez nuts. Gonna burn this bitch down,” but that cannot be confirmed at the time of publication.

Introducing Pat Magnum

Goodbye, Prash Magadi. Hello, Pat Magnum.  The mutton dagger has decided to change his name, citing the flaccid economy and the need for a larger custard pump.

Despite his humble beginnings on the Indian Penis-ula, Pat has grown into a full-sized member of our society.  He recently scored an exclusive internship with Goldman (Ball)Sachs.  His job description includes managing office zamboni baloneys and picking up lobster lunches at local restaurant Long Dong Silver.

“I look forward to joining (Ball)Sachs at the New York Unit.  I hear the city has a fine selection of women to whom I would like to introduce my kipper ripper.  I’m told the pizza there has dickory-coal smoked sausage and bacon bazookas.”

The regional manager for New York, Herman von Longschlongstein, known in some circles as the Gushin Prussian, cites Pat’s chubby conquistador as his strongest attribute.  “It doesn’t hurt that his bumtickler is a regular blue-veined puss chucker,” the crusty purple-headed snot Nazi said.

Many speak of Pat’s uncanny skills with the ladies, though this reporter suspects it has a lot to do with his mayonaise cannon.  Watching this fallopian fiddler work his magic with the female sex is like seeing Mr. Johnson and the juice crew serve a foaming beef probe to an unsuspecting group of Mrs. Sphinxter’s next door neighbors.

In his free time, Magnum P(een) I, fires white-Russians from the Kremlin and plays epic Sega matches of Sonic and Knuckles.  On Sundays, Prince Everhard of the Nether-Lands can be found reading his favorite comic, Pennis the Menace.

“Pat sets a great example for all men with phallic names,” chode-sized sophomore Woody Apple says.  “Not just with his polished pine, but also his incredible purple-headed womb ferret.

What’s next for Pat Magnum?  For now, it’s off to New York to spread his enormous auger-headed gut wrench around the city in a fashion unseen since the glory days of Mickey Mantle’s flesh bat.  After that, the world will kneel beneath his gleaming love sword and savor his hot beef injection.

Prash was week. Pat Magnum is strong.

[Correction: The veracity of this article has now come into question from multiple reports confusing the word HAS with the word IS]

Tejas Chaos

As many of our readers have commented, “Tejas Chaos” is possibly the greatest softball team ever assembled, and much of it can be chalked up to their legendary pitcher, Prash Maga Pat Magnum.

If Maga Magnum keeps up his impressive pitching skills at tomorrow night’s game, he might think of challenging the famous Eddie Feigner, known better as the King of “The King and His Court.”

Feigner was called the “the greatest softball pitcher who ever lived” by the Washington Post. He began barnstorming around the country in 1946, challenging all comers, in a less staged Harlem Globetrotter-esque exhibition.

“Although I just started playing softball last year as a Newman for Texas Cowboys, I ownd it because it is a lot like playing cricket,” said Maga Magnum, an Indian national. “No, no, no, Cricket is my main sport, but I certainly think one day I will be the greatest softball player ever. Pretty much anything I do, I’m the best at. Girls, getting jobs at Goldman-Sachs, drinking, partying, talking shit. I’m a fucking Cowboy.”

Magadi has pitched at least one shutout inning in the 2-0 season for Chaos this season. They have 10 run ruled each of their previous opponents, but most still insist the offense is merely inspired by Maga’s Magnum’s impressive pitching.

“If I didn’t get to see the beauty that is Prash’s (Pat’s) p-p-p-pitchin’, I don’t think I c-c-could play nearly as well” said notable Longhorn football player Nick Zajicek.

Although Chaos has played a combined 6 innings in 2 games, Maga Magnum has commented that he would have no problem pitching an entire game, a concept that has some excited.

“I would trade my Edward Cullen poster and my fan-club T-shirt for a chance to see a full 7 innings of Prash (Pat)” said Clayton Huff, who often catches…in softball.

A man of this stature deserves a better street name than simply Prash Maga, which is often confused as the name of a terrorist cell in the middle-east. This columnist humbly suggests Pat Magnum. More to come.

“My Yomi’s Dead and Gone…”

*Sung to the Tune of T.I.’s Dead and Gone, but the version your dumb friend sings where he think the lyrics are “My Homie’s dead and gone. Dead and goooone.”

“I’ve been tryin’ to get in too long
Just tryin’ to find a place to call home
But now Yomi’s dead and gone
Dead and gone.”

Read more: T.I. – Dead And Gone Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

And not just Yomi, huh? A rash of dingbats in Dylan, Steve, etc.

[Alternate Titles included “Ding! Guys are done…” and “I saw the (warning) Signs.”]

Titanous Tejas Trade

In an epic trade, the likes of which the Tejas Club has never seen, 2-3 prospects, beer, grooming utensils and possibly a future ‘Mrs.’ changed hands.

Nick Labio, former rights holder to hot prospect Cullen Peck, and Kyle Woodcraftsman ran the “peck-and-roll” Monday night at 26th and Rio Grande. Labio, the ever fiscal conservative, is said to always be looking to optimize his assets (and mealplan). By sheer numbers, the savvy businessman gained quite a bit.

“I got a sixer of Corona, and that’s enough for both Clayton and I to get drunk…twice,” said Labio.

In addition to an undisclosed amount of Corona, Labio also received the rights to once blazing hot prospect Tyger Tillerson.

Tillerson, son of Hexxon Mobil CEO Hex Tillerson, has been said to be one of the largest losses to elude the club. Along with his ability to pay dues or afford a sonic ice machine, Tillerson also offers a certain “undingability” as described by Labio.

Also included were a prospect to be named at a later date and a neck-beard trimmer proportedly [sic] strong enough for Kyle Orton.

Along with the rights to Peck, Woodcraftsman is still in the negotiating stages of a supplemental deal including a night with Kelsey Buhots.