Don’t be “upset” with yourself if you were “upset” in the office Sports Trivia tournament for not knowing the origins of the word. Most sports fans don’t know the story of how the term “upset” came to into the sports lexicon and took on an entire different meaning in American English vernacular.
The term, to describe the case of a team or athlete overcoming incredible odds to claim victory over a seemingly more gifted opponent, was inspired by Man o’ War’s loss in the 1919 Sanford Memorial to a horse named, you guessed it, Upset. It would be the only loss of Man o’ War’s career, as he would go on to win Horse of the Year honors in 1920 and would later be named the Best Racehorse of the 20th Century by Blood-Horse magazine. But on that day, it was Upset who, as a 100-to-1 underdog, won the race, effectively coining one of the most oft used sports phrases of all time.
Since then there have been many upsets in sport history: The Miracle on Ice, Buster Douglas over Tyson, Appalachian State, the 69 Miracle Mets, and most applicably to this story, Rulon Gardner over that one unbeatable Russian wrestler.
But all of the aforementioned pale in comparison to what interweb savvy spectators are calling “Emo beats Leet.” On Monday, 112 pound Flen Sumac, full of teenage angst and a desire to finally be something, toppled over 295 pound giant Mark Montaro.
“Oum, I was trying to figure out the proper angle and trajectory to use to fully apply the static energy in leveraging my considerable torsion and corpulent mass towards my opponent” said Molaro, speaking obvious bullshit. “And, oum, while I was calculating, Sumac attacked.”
The end result was that Montaro will be getting a life, which most assume to mean not trolling the internets, studying constitutions of various organizations, and masturbating to Tranny-Grannyz.net.
The victorious Sumac was described by an anonymous member of Tejas as a “less cool version of Arnell, who hates the world too, but doesn’t really have any reason…seeing as he’s white.”
It is unconfirmed whether Sumac will pursue the coveted position of lawn-master next semester (because Arnell hasn’t done it yet), but will obviously be applying for UTLB, LEI, and possibly a semester in LA (already having been an officer in FLO and a member of Camp Texas).
The main thing to be gathered from this event–aside from the sheer size of Montaro’s moobs–is that even the weakest of Americans, with even an ounce of American ideology of strength, power, pwnage, and superiority in them, can dominate the passive, weak-willed, peace-loving mindset of other countries. If even our emo kids, who usually are that way because of getting their asses kicked constantly by jocks and who’s only real experience with confrontation comes from yelling at their upper-middle class parents for buying them a PS3 over an XBox 360, can give giants of foreign lands their comeuppance, America may just be safe after all. I mean, just think what our real men can do (looking at you China).
Not quite David and Goliath, but a Goliath statement about the fortitude of America and the sustainability of the “World’s Last Remaining Super-Power.” Fuck you Rome. Fuck you Persians. Fuck you Mesopotamians. Fuck you Ancient Greece. Fuck you Mayans. And definitely fuck you Egyptians, what with your weird beards. ‘merica, the REAL civilization, is here to stay.
[Editor’s note: If Texas were to succeed from the United States, all of the above would be null and void. Unofficail statistics have Texas accounting for 60-75% of America’s ‘bad-assness.’]