While the walls of 26th and Rio may be infested to the brim with (among other things) rats, it cannot be blamed on not having enough traps set.
Early Tuesday morning at around 3:45 am, Tejas House residents were alarmed at the shrieks of a trapped animal near the kitchen.
“I t-t-t-thought it was just some dime-piece gettin slammed,” said UT football player Nick Fazekas. “But I had p-p-practice at 5 am. Notably not getting up for nothin.”
Luckily, Dave Navarro, Mark Montaro, and Cole Dabpee were still hours away from going to bed (respectively: studying for next semester, watching Canadian/Tranny/Maple Syrup prawn, finishing Online “Master’s School” from a certain University in the greater Phoneix, AZ area) and were able to examine the situation.
What they found was in fact neither a girl being supplied all the pleasure that comes with a rigid 4.5 inches, nor another felled rat vermin. Instead, in the trap was a very scared looking Asian boy, believed to be Thomas Tranh.
The victim was thought to have been playing laser tag against the ghost of Michael Beard when the idea of snacking on a nice slice of American cheddar was too much to resist.
“I just wanted some cheese,” said Tranh. “I don’t know how I got caught in the trap. I’m four-foot-six; that’s 11 inches taller than the average Oriental.!My father was a mere 35 inches.”
[Editor’s note: due to the fact that all Asians look alike, the identity of the victim cannot be confirmed. Not even sure if Tranh was the person we interviewed.]
In possibly unrelated news, Jonathan Richardsonson was spotted at the house for the first time since he came with his father to a Foundation meeting in 1994. However, he was found laying on the party-couch in the dining room convulsing and foaming at the mouth.
It is believed that Richardsonson may have consumed some of the rat poison hidden around the house; not knowing of the rat epidemic since all Tejas emails go directly to “spam.” Doctors speculate that if it wasn’t for his exceptionally jacked physique, he would’ve died instantly from the amount consumed.
Moments before he began convulsing, “Oooohhh a green crunch-berry. Ooooohhh another. Woah, another. Nom, nom, nom, nom,” was heard. It is unconfirmed if the incidents are related.