“I Keep Getting Older, But the Braves Stay the Same Age”

No, this post is not about perennial sophomore Jimmy Gale Hulloway—who at least had the decency to leave when he was done (albeit, finishing at a rate of approximately 4.6 hours per semester). This post is about those creepers who crawl along the shadows of the listserv.

It almost makes you feel dirty when you think of it. Some conspiracy-minded (see: University Democrat) Braves have started wearing tin foil hats while posting to the listserv (no one ever accused U-Dems of being rational) in an effort to retain privacy.

“I’ve started wearing the hats…I mean it really gives me the Willies,” said Cody Jansen (not the beloved one of the football team).”

“That’s what she said,” retorted Jansen…to his own statement, not knowing that it ceased to be cool about 3 years ago.

Dustin Beas, the “*Thomas Renfro of the 21st Century,” reportedly asked to be taken off of the listserv months before he even graduated.

“I, you know, have a life and stuff {proportedly [sic]},” claimed Deas.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are the likes of Michael Beard.

Lulz. Audible lulz.

A/S/L/Newman Class?

Beard, in the club for 11 years but really only remembered for his infamously curmudgeonly farewell song, hasn’t gotten his fill. He can still be seen adding worthlesswhile content to the listserve. AP voters have voted him somewhere between Akron and UAB in both the funniness and relevance polls.

“Apparently he’s funny or something, even semi-professional,” Neal Remedials was quoted as saying. [For what it’s worth, Remedials himself has been called the least funny joke teller this side of the A.D.]

The feeling must’ve been noticed by Beard, who has recently taken to signing other people’s names at the end of his pointless emails. However, since those currently in the club have always used computers (as opposed to the typewriter for Bird’s first 8 years in the club), they see through what Beard thought was a clever ploy.

“It’s pretty creepy to know that some guy I’ve never met, old enough to be my dad, still reads everything I send,” said notable listserve spammer Nararyan Barghaikfdgjhd.

[Ed. note: Barghaikfdgjhd genuinely did not realize that no one has actually ever read anything he sent.]

Beard is not alone, other notable creepers include Ajay Mayers, Steven Diabetes, Denton “People remember me as waaay cooler than I was” Ampersand, (all of whom will talk to you about it when they see you IRL) Jim Arth-ur (though he did introduce this fine internet publication to the club), Some old aZn kids (named Chen and stuff), and others. Please guys, for the sake of cyber-pedophilia. Move on.

Graduated Tejas OLD,OLDmen seen parked across street.

Graduated Tejas OLD, OLDmen seen parked in the lot across street.

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