Goodbye, Prash Magadi. Hello, Pat Magnum. The mutton dagger has decided to change his name, citing the flaccid economy and the need for a larger custard pump.
Despite his humble beginnings on the Indian Penis-ula, Pat has grown into a full-sized member of our society. He recently scored an exclusive internship with Goldman (Ball)Sachs. His job description includes managing office zamboni baloneys and picking up lobster lunches at local restaurant Long Dong Silver.
“I look forward to joining (Ball)Sachs at the New York Unit. I hear the city has a fine selection of women to whom I would like to introduce my kipper ripper. I’m told the pizza there has dickory-coal smoked sausage and bacon bazookas.”
The regional manager for New York, Herman von Longschlongstein, known in some circles as the Gushin Prussian, cites Pat’s chubby conquistador as his strongest attribute. “It doesn’t hurt that his bumtickler is a regular blue-veined puss chucker,” the crusty purple-headed snot Nazi said.
Many speak of Pat’s uncanny skills with the ladies, though this reporter suspects it has a lot to do with his mayonaise cannon. Watching this fallopian fiddler work his magic with the female sex is like seeing Mr. Johnson and the juice crew serve a foaming beef probe to an unsuspecting group of Mrs. Sphinxter’s next door neighbors.
In his free time, Magnum P(een) I, fires white-Russians from the Kremlin and plays epic Sega matches of Sonic and Knuckles. On Sundays, Prince Everhard of the Nether-Lands can be found reading his favorite comic, Pennis the Menace.
“Pat sets a great example for all men with phallic names,” chode-sized sophomore Woody Apple says. “Not just with his polished pine, but also his incredible purple-headed womb ferret.
What’s next for Pat Magnum? For now, it’s off to New York to spread his enormous auger-headed gut wrench around the city in a fashion unseen since the glory days of Mickey Mantle’s flesh bat. After that, the world will kneel beneath his gleaming love sword and savor his hot beef injection.
Prash was week. Pat Magnum is strong.
[Correction: The veracity of this article has now come into question from multiple reports confusing the word HAS with the word IS]