Soccer Fan Goes Full 90

Watch the video a few times if you don’t see it. Pay close attention to the left center of the screen. Blue shorts.

It is unconfirmed whether or not the fan seen bouncing just over the left shoulder of the coach is none other than Eric “Cheese/Verbie/Fermunda/Verbit” Verbitsky.

It may, in fact, not be Abraham Gabriel Verbitsky, and may be an indication of a pandemic. Or at the very least the confirmation of another sad soul who gets their jollies from watching finely-tuned-athletic-machines.

Stay tuned – more to come on this story.

Notably Not a Rat

While the walls of 26th and Rio may be infested to the brim with (among other things) rats, it cannot be blamed on not having enough traps set.

Early Tuesday morning at around 3:45 am, Tejas House residents were alarmed at the shrieks of a trapped animal near the kitchen.

“I t-t-t-thought it was just some dime-piece gettin slammed,” said UT football player Nick Fazekas. “But I had p-p-practice at 5 am. Notably not getting up for nothin.”

Luckily, Dave Navarro, Mark Montaro, and Cole Dabpee were still hours away from going to bed (respectively: studying for next semester, watching Canadian/Tranny/Maple Syrup prawn, finishing Online “Master’s School” from a certain University in the greater Phoneix, AZ area) and were able to examine the situation.

What they found was in fact neither a girl being supplied all the pleasure that comes with a rigid 4.5 inches, nor another felled rat vermin. Instead, in the trap was a very scared looking Asian boy, believed to be Thomas Tranh.

Notably nibbles on noms – no matter the peril involved

The victim was thought to have been playing laser tag against the ghost of Michael Beard when the idea of snacking on a nice slice of American cheddar was too much to resist.

“I just wanted some cheese,” said Tranh. “I don’t know how I got caught in the trap. I’m four-foot-six; that’s 11 inches taller than the average Oriental.!My father was a mere 35 inches.”

[Editor’s note: due to the fact that all Asians look alike, the identity of the victim cannot be confirmed. Not even sure if Tranh was the person we interviewed.]

In possibly unrelated news, Jonathan Richardsonson was spotted at the house for the first time since he came with his father to a Foundation meeting in 1994. However, he was found laying on the party-couch in the dining room convulsing and foaming at the mouth.

It is believed that Richardsonson may have consumed some of the rat poison hidden around the house; not knowing of the rat epidemic since all Tejas emails go directly to “spam.” Doctors speculate that if it wasn’t for his exceptionally jacked physique, he would’ve died instantly from the amount consumed.

Moments before he began convulsing, “Oooohhh a green crunch-berry. Ooooohhh another. Woah, another. Nom, nom, nom, nom,” was heard. It is unconfirmed if the incidents are related.

Could be easily confused...right?

Could be easily confused…right?

“I Keep Getting Older, But the Braves Stay the Same Age”

No, this post is not about perennial sophomore Jimmy Gale Hulloway—who at least had the decency to leave when he was done (albeit, finishing at a rate of approximately 4.6 hours per semester). This post is about those creepers who crawl along the shadows of the listserv.

It almost makes you feel dirty when you think of it. Some conspiracy-minded (see: University Democrat) Braves have started wearing tin foil hats while posting to the listserv (no one ever accused U-Dems of being rational) in an effort to retain privacy.

“I’ve started wearing the hats…I mean it really gives me the Willies,” said Cody Jansen (not the beloved one of the football team).”

“That’s what she said,” retorted Jansen…to his own statement, not knowing that it ceased to be cool about 3 years ago.

Dustin Beas, the “*Thomas Renfro of the 21st Century,” reportedly asked to be taken off of the listserv months before he even graduated.

“I, you know, have a life and stuff {proportedly [sic]},” claimed Deas.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are the likes of Michael Beard.

Lulz. Audible lulz.

A/S/L/Newman Class?

Beard, in the club for 11 years but really only remembered for his infamously curmudgeonly farewell song, hasn’t gotten his fill. He can still be seen adding worthlesswhile content to the listserve. AP voters have voted him somewhere between Akron and UAB in both the funniness and relevance polls.

“Apparently he’s funny or something, even semi-professional,” Neal Remedials was quoted as saying. [For what it’s worth, Remedials himself has been called the least funny joke teller this side of the A.D.]

The feeling must’ve been noticed by Beard, who has recently taken to signing other people’s names at the end of his pointless emails. However, since those currently in the club have always used computers (as opposed to the typewriter for Bird’s first 8 years in the club), they see through what Beard thought was a clever ploy.

“It’s pretty creepy to know that some guy I’ve never met, old enough to be my dad, still reads everything I send,” said notable listserve spammer Nararyan Barghaikfdgjhd.

[Ed. note: Barghaikfdgjhd genuinely did not realize that no one has actually ever read anything he sent.]

Beard is not alone, other notable creepers include Ajay Mayers, Steven Diabetes, Denton “People remember me as waaay cooler than I was” Ampersand, (all of whom will talk to you about it when they see you IRL) Jim Arth-ur (though he did introduce this fine internet publication to the club), Some old aZn kids (named Chen and stuff), and others. Please guys, for the sake of cyber-pedophilia. Move on.

Graduated Tejas OLD,OLDmen seen parked across street.

Graduated Tejas OLD, OLDmen seen parked in the lot across street.

Tejas POTNTGEF is back, baby!

Douche levels expected to increase dramatically.

Tejas Xinesi/POTUS POTNTGEF (President of No. 3 Gay Engineering Fraternity) Kyle BigPen15 is done with the LSAT. What does that mean? Essentially that means that your local Summer’s Eve product rep is back, baby.

summer's eve douche

He’s back. Baby.

Researchers concluded that the levels of douche around 26th and Rio had dropped to alarming levels during the time when BigPen15 was studying for the test. No matter how hard nice-guy-kinda-douche Weese Mafew tried, he just couldn’t sustain it. It also hurts the cause that while Pat Magnum has incredibly, off the charts, unbelievably, awe-inspiring, death-defying, historically-significant, levels of asshole/tool/prick/loathe magnet, his douche bag levels aren’t that great.

This has led to some enterprising young TA, somewhere, probably to study what exactly makes a douche bag for his doctoral thesis.

So, what is a douche bag?

A douche bag is lowest on the list of people you hate, below people who wear Crocs, Tools, cunts, jews, goths, people who say to-mah-to “təˈmɑtəʊ,” pussies, Bros, and assholes, respectively.

Well, at least the good kind of douche…We’ll focus on the good kind.

Paul Rudd Is A Douche For Sure

Paul Rudd , Noted Douche

Paul Rudd is a prototypical good douche bag. Think of his smug sarcasm, which shows excellence in the asshole field, but also think about that “shit-eatin’ grin” that accompanies it, anchored squarely in the douche field.

While these proverbial nozzles of hygiene may grow mustaches for irony, travel the country to see hair metal shows, or do other douchey things; in the end they are usually your friends.

Good luck to Kyle BigPenis, bringing back the douche like it’s 2-Thousand-and-5.

They are known to be very dangerous

Other than the pedo-douche, not particularly dangerous

@TexasSports—When You Text Don’t Drive, Do the Watermelon Crawl.

Drunk Vince's notoriously nice nips...no homo.

Drunk Vince’s notoriously “nice nips…no homo.”

According to the website of what some refer to the 3rd or 4th most reliable source of UT campus news (behind, at least: THIS legitimate, internet publication, The Texas Travesty, and Ryan Martinez’ Burn Book), there is some serious confusion as to what texting is and what being shit-canned is.

A bit of clarification before we begin: Texting

Not to be confused with: drunk

From DTonline  (emphasis is mine):

Kindle received an early test of his leadership skills last month. The senior ALLEGEDLY crashed his car into a West Campus apartment complex while text messaging in the early morning hours. That prompted a team-wide apology and an unwanted appearance in the spotlight.

“Sergio has asserted himself as more of a leader,” said head coach Mack Brown. “We felt like, with his negative this summer, it helped him in some ways to mature and step up.”

Kindle has also had plenty of help from [DE Lamarr] Houston, who experienced his own incident a year ago after being charged with DWI.

(Remember…charged with DRIVING WHILE INTOXICATED)

“He doesn’t text and drive anymore,” Kindle said. “He rides with me.”

Did Sergio Kindle just admit surreptitiously that he was in fact drinking, rather than the implied texting? Would this be as (facetiously) shocking to everyone in the greater Austin area as it is for me? Is he smart enough to know what the word “surreptitiously” means? Is he smart enough to find it in the dictionary? Would he laugh at the syllable before “tionary?”

If this was true, this would definitely be the first time that represenatives of Texas Athletics did such a thing. Ever.

And they would never repeat it if they did.

No, I think the Daily Texan just isn’t very good at this journalism bit, and misattributed the quote. I think it was supposed to be the immaculate driving record of Lamarr Houston who made said quote.

– University of Texas’ most reliable journalism “staff”

Swine Flu strikes Tejas

Just when it looked like things were getting on track for Stephen Reidmueller (who this publication had confirmed was not fat) Jesus took the proverbial golden shower on him.

Secure with work for the first time since the Reagan administration, Reidmueller now appears to have Swine Flu.

“I saw him coming out of [the Pimptastic] bedroom buttoning his pants and wiping sweat from his brow,” said former Xinesi Alex Boudreaux.

Observers said they then saw Nan McPhee, a confirmed Swine Flu carrier exit the bedroom only moments after.

The Tejas Club is not a safe place to be at this time as the confirmed Swine Flu count (according to Dr. Jennifer Sites-Chaney) has risen to 2.

WE ARE DECLARING THIS A PANDEMIC! RUN FOR YOUR PORK-FEARING LIVES.

The source of the Flu (not Stephen Reidmueller)

The source of the Flu (not Stephen Reidmueller)

UPDATE: Israel’s Deputy Health Minister Yakov Lotzman just twittered me that the swine flu should be renamed “Mexican” influenza in deference to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork.

real cause - not a swine, not Reidmueller, not Bourdeau

The real cause : Not a swine, not Reidmueller, not Boudreaux

Reidmueller “Not Fat”

Good news from the Reidmueller camp today. According to the official “Martinez BMI Index,” Stephen Reidmueller is not fat.

“I’ve been having a string of bad luck…what with the whole job market and all,” said Reidmueller, currently on his sixth day in the same PJs. “But in between watching seasons of every TV show made between 78 and 94, I’ve played some ultimate [frisbee] and ran some, I guess.”

Experts are calling Reidmueller’s remarkable “Reverse-Silver” a miracle. Citing Hollowell-ian history, Tejas Braves usually get larger with age, directly correlating to the amount of classes taken. They are chalking the phenomenon up to a lack of money to actually buy food and an abundance of free time to exercise without the burden of gainful employment or class.

[Ed. Note: Not to be confused with “Running Stephen Reidmiller,” another person entirely]

Reidmueller apparently doesn't tip this

Reidmueller apparently doesn’t tip this…or waiters.